I'm not depressed, but I was
I look back at the pain, the heartache, the family drama, the lonely feelings, and the emptiness; I'm crying again
Scars are torn wide open today, and the blood on my hands has seeped from my veins to my palms and down my gnarled digits.
My mother could be dead any day now, and I'm moving in a month or two
The old wounds have come alive, as I sit here with a head full of smoke. Too thick for me to see, and I'm choking.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Sweet Dreams
This is going to be very strange............but then again, most of my posts don't make sense.......this is kind of like my dumping grounds for my mind.............if I let all the crap in my head pile up, it might rot my brain.
Do we have a flusher in our brains???? Cuz I've yet to find mine.
anyways..............I have a dream, or have had a dream since I was a child.......and it scares me.
A little white girl is riding a bicycle......there is no audio, just quiet and I see her riding her little bicycle around a plane of white space. The girl's bike collapses and she falls down, and she starts to cry....perhaps she has skinned her knee? At this moment, the room turns red, perhaps it's her blood, I'm not sure exactly why it turns red.
Once the room turns a brilliant red color, a large group of men come in shouting, and yelling things that I do not understand, but I do know that I as a viewer/listener cannot stand the noise. These men don't even notice the little girl crying, and continue to shout out things at each other. Eventually the noise becomes deafening and the room fades to black, I cannot see anything anymore, but the noise is so overwhelming that I wake up.
My interpretation- It's political??? The big wigs don't notice the small problems because they are too busy shouting at each other over things which the average citizen does not understand. Perhaps if politics were a more generalized topic in everyday life now, we would actually understand what the candidates for the election meant in their speeches, or what the congress is voting on.
Idk, again, just my space to dump my mental shit.
Do we have a flusher in our brains???? Cuz I've yet to find mine.
anyways..............I have a dream, or have had a dream since I was a child.......and it scares me.
A little white girl is riding a bicycle......there is no audio, just quiet and I see her riding her little bicycle around a plane of white space. The girl's bike collapses and she falls down, and she starts to cry....perhaps she has skinned her knee? At this moment, the room turns red, perhaps it's her blood, I'm not sure exactly why it turns red.
Once the room turns a brilliant red color, a large group of men come in shouting, and yelling things that I do not understand, but I do know that I as a viewer/listener cannot stand the noise. These men don't even notice the little girl crying, and continue to shout out things at each other. Eventually the noise becomes deafening and the room fades to black, I cannot see anything anymore, but the noise is so overwhelming that I wake up.
My interpretation- It's political??? The big wigs don't notice the small problems because they are too busy shouting at each other over things which the average citizen does not understand. Perhaps if politics were a more generalized topic in everyday life now, we would actually understand what the candidates for the election meant in their speeches, or what the congress is voting on.
Idk, again, just my space to dump my mental shit.
She's Back!!!!!!!
As she itches, and scratches at the nape of her neck, I know that she is high. Knocking on the door, then just barging in screaming my sister's name...................coming 200 miles just to figure out where to stay.
My sister nicole just came back to HDG from almost a year spent in Hebron, MD. It's kinda weird to me, but yeah........she's back, and cracked up just as usual.
How do I help her? I ponder this........................... TBC
My sister nicole just came back to HDG from almost a year spent in Hebron, MD. It's kinda weird to me, but yeah........she's back, and cracked up just as usual.
How do I help her? I ponder this........................... TBC
Sunday, October 12, 2008
F.E.A.R.
F.
F is for faces. There are ten hundred thousand million gagillion faces in the world, yet we only have one. My face is the only reliable thing people have to see
E.
E is for ears, the ways we listen to others, and hear the cries of the helpless, and understand the commands of the wise and poweruful.
A.
A is for answers, things we never get. A proper answer is without thought, it is a reaction only.
R.
R is for reality, which just sucks in general.
Fear is my life
F is for faces. There are ten hundred thousand million gagillion faces in the world, yet we only have one. My face is the only reliable thing people have to see
E.
E is for ears, the ways we listen to others, and hear the cries of the helpless, and understand the commands of the wise and poweruful.
A.
A is for answers, things we never get. A proper answer is without thought, it is a reaction only.
R.
R is for reality, which just sucks in general.
Fear is my life
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Quickie
Gonna be short today.
Just to wrap up my thoughts for the night I realize three things.
One- I sleep too much
Two- I dont sleep enough
Three- I sleep at the wrong times
Just thinking
Just to wrap up my thoughts for the night I realize three things.
One- I sleep too much
Two- I dont sleep enough
Three- I sleep at the wrong times
Just thinking
New Job
I'm leaving WH
I have a new job
Making better money
No retards to mess with, or being accused of being a thief.
I have a new job
Making better money
No retards to mess with, or being accused of being a thief.
New Beginnings Paired With the Same old Crap
I have a new start,
A new outlook
A new philosophy if you will.
Things just aren't what they used to be.
Life was simple in my youth, days of innocence, ignorance, and bliss in that aforementioned.
The best way to stay alive in this world is to adapt and to re-invent yourself
Thus, in the past few weeks, I been doing alot of soul searching. Alot of wandering, meandering into the darkness of my mind, and pushing myself to limits I have never been to.
I cracked.
My faith in life has been demolished, and my reasoning thrown out the window.
My memory fades, and my morals dissolve into thin air.
Even through my new discoveries, and new beginnings, I still deal with the same old crap. I'm depressed, so much that I break down daily and cry myself to sleep, wondering what I did to deserve such horrible treatment in my life.
I still lie awake at night pondering and fighting off the loneliness that I have come to hold as my own. A security blanket, yet cold, and uninviting.
I pick up the bottle and bring it to my lips and suck the liquid down hoping to ease something I can't put my finger on.
A hole in my ear, although filled, it is only filled with that which I may remove. I have enough holes already. My soul leaks out of my mouth when I talk.
My spirit falls from my face in the tears that I cry
My passion rubs into the keyboard out of my pores
I have enough holes, yet I go and pierce my ear, adding another hole to my body. But what did I lose from this hole, nothing!!!
My hole is symbolic to me, as I have yet to figure out what it means. I don't know the answer.
If this confuses you I am sorry, these are merely my thoughts being written down. I am trying to deal with the weight of the world as usual and am falling over and being crushed.
A new outlook
A new philosophy if you will.
Things just aren't what they used to be.
Life was simple in my youth, days of innocence, ignorance, and bliss in that aforementioned.
The best way to stay alive in this world is to adapt and to re-invent yourself
Thus, in the past few weeks, I been doing alot of soul searching. Alot of wandering, meandering into the darkness of my mind, and pushing myself to limits I have never been to.
I cracked.
My faith in life has been demolished, and my reasoning thrown out the window.
My memory fades, and my morals dissolve into thin air.
Even through my new discoveries, and new beginnings, I still deal with the same old crap. I'm depressed, so much that I break down daily and cry myself to sleep, wondering what I did to deserve such horrible treatment in my life.
I still lie awake at night pondering and fighting off the loneliness that I have come to hold as my own. A security blanket, yet cold, and uninviting.
I pick up the bottle and bring it to my lips and suck the liquid down hoping to ease something I can't put my finger on.
A hole in my ear, although filled, it is only filled with that which I may remove. I have enough holes already. My soul leaks out of my mouth when I talk.
My spirit falls from my face in the tears that I cry
My passion rubs into the keyboard out of my pores
I have enough holes, yet I go and pierce my ear, adding another hole to my body. But what did I lose from this hole, nothing!!!
My hole is symbolic to me, as I have yet to figure out what it means. I don't know the answer.
If this confuses you I am sorry, these are merely my thoughts being written down. I am trying to deal with the weight of the world as usual and am falling over and being crushed.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The world is a stage
Dear World,
You suck. You are filled with heartache, pain, suffering, ignorance, cruelty, abuse, stupidity, and blasphemy in every sense possible. Who would of thought they could be wrapped up in a single person?
His name was Thomas, and I had fallen in love. He treated me kindly and he was beautiful. His soul golden, and shining, yet tarnished deeper, and rusting from the inside out.
It came to be that nothing came of us, and we left it with a kiss. A simple peck on the lips, and no more was said, hardly. He lost hisself back into the underground he once called home. A life lived darker, and more dangerous than I had known.
Too bad it didn't work. But it's alright world, I don't need the drama in my life.
You're a stage old world, and I'm right on there pulling my own.
You suck. You are filled with heartache, pain, suffering, ignorance, cruelty, abuse, stupidity, and blasphemy in every sense possible. Who would of thought they could be wrapped up in a single person?
His name was Thomas, and I had fallen in love. He treated me kindly and he was beautiful. His soul golden, and shining, yet tarnished deeper, and rusting from the inside out.
It came to be that nothing came of us, and we left it with a kiss. A simple peck on the lips, and no more was said, hardly. He lost hisself back into the underground he once called home. A life lived darker, and more dangerous than I had known.
Too bad it didn't work. But it's alright world, I don't need the drama in my life.
You're a stage old world, and I'm right on there pulling my own.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Smell of Music
Sitting in the library right now, the smells of body odor, old people, dirty books, and air conditioner invade this nose.
Choruses of men and women, singing a variety of tunes, and melodies flow into my ears.
I am having such a great time listening that I now appreciate music even more.
My mind has also made a new connection...........and this is kind of funny.
Music now has a smell to me, I wll always smell music as this library.
Choruses of men and women, singing a variety of tunes, and melodies flow into my ears.
I am having such a great time listening that I now appreciate music even more.
My mind has also made a new connection...........and this is kind of funny.
Music now has a smell to me, I wll always smell music as this library.
Am I possessed??
The other day, I was minding my own buisness, just playing cards with my friends.
Here are the facts,
It was 3:30 in the morning, a fairly normal time for me and my friends to be out and about, and we were loitering, an illegal act so to speak, outside of McDonalds on the picnic benches.
I went inside of the Waffle House, my job, which is only next door and came across a site I was not ready for.
Low and behold, Matt, the devil in my eyes sat at the counter.
My sister stayed as I left to return to my card game.
Five minutes later I recieved a text message, from my sister saying Matt wanted to come play cards with us. I said as long as he doesn't start trouble.
Funny thing is.............for almost a year, I saw him as the strongest foe, and defining fear factor in my life. But he came back to side weak, shaking, and unsure.
We discussed that we both messed up alot in both our friendship and our relationship.
Now we are friends again, yet now I wait.............what does he mean? I fear my own feelings, and I still fear him.
Does the devil have me the neck?
Here are the facts,
It was 3:30 in the morning, a fairly normal time for me and my friends to be out and about, and we were loitering, an illegal act so to speak, outside of McDonalds on the picnic benches.
I went inside of the Waffle House, my job, which is only next door and came across a site I was not ready for.
Low and behold, Matt, the devil in my eyes sat at the counter.
My sister stayed as I left to return to my card game.
Five minutes later I recieved a text message, from my sister saying Matt wanted to come play cards with us. I said as long as he doesn't start trouble.
Funny thing is.............for almost a year, I saw him as the strongest foe, and defining fear factor in my life. But he came back to side weak, shaking, and unsure.
We discussed that we both messed up alot in both our friendship and our relationship.
Now we are friends again, yet now I wait.............what does he mean? I fear my own feelings, and I still fear him.
Does the devil have me the neck?
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Xob Der
..............................if you know what this is, it is almost as evil as Chuck E Cheese.
....................................................
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REDBOX
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REDBOX
Cracks in the glass
Everyone looks in the mirror everyday.
The mirror is just a pane of glass that reflects your image back at you, and if your lucky makes you feel like a million bucks.
But if you are like me, and many other people in this world, you look in the mirror and see something you don't like.
This blog is called cracks in the glass because I see different things. I see a broken image in the mirror. Parts of a whole, but no whole to be seen, only different reflections in small pieces seperated by deep veins of empty space.
The cracks in the glass symbolize something for me. They tell me I am not whole. I may feel happy on the outside, but I know I am not complete.
After todays events, which include, watching the fireworks alone, crying my eyes out twice; once because my ex shouted out of a car Faggot, and two because I sat alone, at work watching the fireworks out of a window and through the trees.
Does anyone ever feel the cracks in the mirror?
I think it's part of our human nature. We are emotional beings, and are difficult to control. I let my mind wander at times, and it gets me into trouble.
I think too much, and let too much get to me. Thing is? Everyone else does too.
Crying is normal, even for a grown man. Lonlieness, which is spelled horribly wrong, is just our way of telling us we need companionship.
I probably just stated the obvious, but whether you think so or not, this is more my way to express my thoughts. I just choose to publish these thoughts on the internet for people to try and understand.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to sleep. This should fill one of the many cracks in the mirror.
another thought.......
When we fill the cracks, why dont they become clear again? The cracks are filled, but they aren't anything more than a cover up. The holes are there, the cracks are still there, they are only covered up.
so will my problems ever go away.
Will I ever forget Matt?
Will I ever get the right amount of sleep?
Will I ever make enough money to move out of my house?
I hate questions..............!
The mirror is just a pane of glass that reflects your image back at you, and if your lucky makes you feel like a million bucks.
But if you are like me, and many other people in this world, you look in the mirror and see something you don't like.
This blog is called cracks in the glass because I see different things. I see a broken image in the mirror. Parts of a whole, but no whole to be seen, only different reflections in small pieces seperated by deep veins of empty space.
The cracks in the glass symbolize something for me. They tell me I am not whole. I may feel happy on the outside, but I know I am not complete.
After todays events, which include, watching the fireworks alone, crying my eyes out twice; once because my ex shouted out of a car Faggot, and two because I sat alone, at work watching the fireworks out of a window and through the trees.
Does anyone ever feel the cracks in the mirror?
I think it's part of our human nature. We are emotional beings, and are difficult to control. I let my mind wander at times, and it gets me into trouble.
I think too much, and let too much get to me. Thing is? Everyone else does too.
Crying is normal, even for a grown man. Lonlieness, which is spelled horribly wrong, is just our way of telling us we need companionship.
I probably just stated the obvious, but whether you think so or not, this is more my way to express my thoughts. I just choose to publish these thoughts on the internet for people to try and understand.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to sleep. This should fill one of the many cracks in the mirror.
another thought.......
When we fill the cracks, why dont they become clear again? The cracks are filled, but they aren't anything more than a cover up. The holes are there, the cracks are still there, they are only covered up.
so will my problems ever go away.
Will I ever forget Matt?
Will I ever get the right amount of sleep?
Will I ever make enough money to move out of my house?
I hate questions..............!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
We have a problem
I'm back
This lack of writing isn't exactly coming from a block, although call it what you will cuz I just can't seem to express myself anymore, but mainly due the fact that I lost my wi-fi internet I was stealing from the neighbors router.
But beside that point here is the newest thoughts and confessions for the lone wolf.
Joey can be defined in many ways, he can be a a young kangaroo, a coy nickname for a schnauzer, or just another name for Joseph. I define this slightly different.
Joey is opposed to change, but willing to learn. He is stubborn, yet willing to do whatever, whenever. He is indecisive, yet spontaneous often getting himself into trouble with that spontaneity.
My biggest issue though. I am loney. I'm not sure why, but I am.
I surround myself with love, but only find emptiness, and animosity, and coldness, and pain.
I'm starting to write a book.
It's called, I'm in love with a guy, and I don't know why?
Basically, if I spelled that word correctly, it's about my thoughts, my essays, wondering where I came from, what I've become, and who I want to be. How people see me is not what I want them to see. Perhaps as I write I will understand myself, my passions, my longings, and my feelings. Maybe I can evolve as a spiritual being as well.
This lack of writing isn't exactly coming from a block, although call it what you will cuz I just can't seem to express myself anymore, but mainly due the fact that I lost my wi-fi internet I was stealing from the neighbors router.
But beside that point here is the newest thoughts and confessions for the lone wolf.
Joey can be defined in many ways, he can be a a young kangaroo, a coy nickname for a schnauzer, or just another name for Joseph. I define this slightly different.
Joey is opposed to change, but willing to learn. He is stubborn, yet willing to do whatever, whenever. He is indecisive, yet spontaneous often getting himself into trouble with that spontaneity.
My biggest issue though. I am loney. I'm not sure why, but I am.
I surround myself with love, but only find emptiness, and animosity, and coldness, and pain.
I'm starting to write a book.
It's called, I'm in love with a guy, and I don't know why?
Basically, if I spelled that word correctly, it's about my thoughts, my essays, wondering where I came from, what I've become, and who I want to be. How people see me is not what I want them to see. Perhaps as I write I will understand myself, my passions, my longings, and my feelings. Maybe I can evolve as a spiritual being as well.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Chuck Evil Cheese
This post is going to be short
I just want to elighten the idea that Chuck E Cheese is the most evil place on the planet.
I walked in with 22 dollars in cash. I had a bunch of coupons and my friends and I all bought a bunch of pizza's soda's and tokens for like 80 bucks total.
That was great until we started playing the games.............
Have you ever noticed that when you run out of tokens, you want more, and think that those tokens really didn't last too long? Well the truth is, even though the games are only 1 token, the average game lasts about 5 seconds.
So...........................let's do some math here
5 seconds out of 1 minute is 1/12. Thus you can in theory play 12 games in a minute, thus spending 3 dollars in one minute..as each token costs a quarter.
With 100 tokens, you are in theory only playing for a total time frame of about 8 minutes and 20 seconds.
Those 100 tokens aren't cheap either. 25 dollars can buy you dinner for two at a decent restaurant or you spend less than ten minutes in chuck e cheeses for the same price.
So to make a long story short.
Don't take a credit card into chuck e cheese, you will only hurt yourself more.
An hour and a half spent in chuck e cheese. My grand total spent was 78 dollars and 50 cents
I just want to elighten the idea that Chuck E Cheese is the most evil place on the planet.
I walked in with 22 dollars in cash. I had a bunch of coupons and my friends and I all bought a bunch of pizza's soda's and tokens for like 80 bucks total.
That was great until we started playing the games.............
Have you ever noticed that when you run out of tokens, you want more, and think that those tokens really didn't last too long? Well the truth is, even though the games are only 1 token, the average game lasts about 5 seconds.
So...........................let's do some math here
5 seconds out of 1 minute is 1/12. Thus you can in theory play 12 games in a minute, thus spending 3 dollars in one minute..as each token costs a quarter.
With 100 tokens, you are in theory only playing for a total time frame of about 8 minutes and 20 seconds.
Those 100 tokens aren't cheap either. 25 dollars can buy you dinner for two at a decent restaurant or you spend less than ten minutes in chuck e cheeses for the same price.
So to make a long story short.
Don't take a credit card into chuck e cheese, you will only hurt yourself more.
An hour and a half spent in chuck e cheese. My grand total spent was 78 dollars and 50 cents
Monday, June 16, 2008
Back to Normal....I think
So this post should be the beginning of the comeback. I hope to start with my regular posts once more......assuming I don't have to sleep for days at a time.
Let's start at the beginning.
I'm Joe, and I work at Waffle House.........AKA........cesspool of crackheads, and drama.
I love my job only on the days I make money, and as selfish as it seems, I only care about the money in my job right now. Yes, there are people I care about, but my goal in working is to make that money and bank it as soon as I can, rather than to make friends
Perhaps this is the key to success in life.
Do we have to make sacrifices in order to achieve our highest goals? Do we have to cut people, places, and things out of our life in order to thrive?
In my case, I believe this is true for several reasons.
In order for me to make my money at work, I need to shut out everything else, and focus on my customer's needs. Now the fact that 35% of my customers don't tip, or they walk out on their bills either means they are too poor to tip, or they are assholes. Yet, none the less I have to put my mind away for 10 hours a night in order to better serve my customers.
What kind of sacrifices do you make?
Let's start at the beginning.
I'm Joe, and I work at Waffle House.........AKA........cesspool of crackheads, and drama.
I love my job only on the days I make money, and as selfish as it seems, I only care about the money in my job right now. Yes, there are people I care about, but my goal in working is to make that money and bank it as soon as I can, rather than to make friends
Perhaps this is the key to success in life.
Do we have to make sacrifices in order to achieve our highest goals? Do we have to cut people, places, and things out of our life in order to thrive?
In my case, I believe this is true for several reasons.
In order for me to make my money at work, I need to shut out everything else, and focus on my customer's needs. Now the fact that 35% of my customers don't tip, or they walk out on their bills either means they are too poor to tip, or they are assholes. Yet, none the less I have to put my mind away for 10 hours a night in order to better serve my customers.
What kind of sacrifices do you make?
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