Reflection Eternal: Confessions and Thoughts of a Lone Wolf

Sweet Dreams

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 07:21:00 +0000

This is going to be very strange............but then again, most of my posts don't make sense.......this is kind of like my dumping grounds for my mind.............if I let all the crap in my head pile up, it might rot my brain.

Do we have a flusher in our brains???? Cuz I've yet to find mine.

anyways..............I have a dream, or have had a dream since I was a child.......and it scares me.

A little white girl is riding a bicycle......there is no audio, just quiet and I see her riding her little bicycle around a plane of white space. The girl's bike collapses and she falls down, and she starts to cry....perhaps she has skinned her knee? At this moment, the room turns red, perhaps it's her blood, I'm not sure exactly why it turns red.

Once the room turns a brilliant red color, a large group of men come in shouting, and yelling things that I do not understand, but I do know that I as a viewer/listener cannot stand the noise. These men don't even notice the little girl crying, and continue to shout out things at each other. Eventually the noise becomes deafening and the room fades to black, I cannot see anything anymore, but the noise is so overwhelming that I wake up.

My interpretation- It's political??? The big wigs don't notice the small problems because they are too busy shouting at each other over things which the average citizen does not understand. Perhaps if politics were a more generalized topic in everyday life now, we would actually understand what the candidates for the election meant in their speeches, or what the congress is voting on.

Idk, again, just my space to dump my mental shit.

She's Back!!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 07:18:00 +0000

As she itches, and scratches at the nape of her neck, I know that she is high. Knocking on the door, then just barging in screaming my sister's name...................coming 200 miles just to figure out where to stay.

My sister nicole just came back to HDG from almost a year spent in Hebron, MD. It's kinda weird to me, but yeah........she's back, and cracked up just as usual.

How do I help her? I ponder this........................... TBC

F.E.A.R.

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:50:00 +0000

F.

F is for faces. There are ten hundred thousand million gagillion faces in the world, yet we only have one. My face is the only reliable thing people have to see

E.

E is for ears, the ways we listen to others, and hear the cries of the helpless, and understand the commands of the wise and poweruful.

A.

A is for answers, things we never get. A proper answer is without thought, it is a reaction only.

R.

R is for reality, which just sucks in general.

Fear is my life

Quickie

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:11:00 +0000

Gonna be short today.

Just to wrap up my thoughts for the night I realize three things.

One- I sleep too much

Two- I dont sleep enough

Three- I sleep at the wrong times

Just thinking

New Job

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 04:30:00 +0000

I'm leaving WH

I have a new job

Making better money

No retards to mess with, or being accused of being a thief.

New Beginnings Paired With the Same old Crap

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 04:20:00 +0000

I have a new start,

A new outlook

A new philosophy if you will.

Things just aren't what they used to be.

Life was simple in my youth, days of innocence, ignorance, and bliss in that aforementioned.

The best way to stay alive in this world is to adapt and to re-invent yourself

Thus, in the past few weeks, I been doing alot of soul searching. Alot of wandering, meandering into the darkness of my mind, and pushing myself to limits I have never been to.

I cracked.

My faith in life has been demolished, and my reasoning thrown out the window.

My memory fades, and my morals dissolve into thin air.

Even through my new discoveries, and new beginnings, I still deal with the same old crap. I'm depressed, so much that I break down daily and cry myself to sleep, wondering what I did to deserve such horrible treatment in my life.

I still lie awake at night pondering and fighting off the loneliness that I have come to hold as my own. A security blanket, yet cold, and uninviting.

I pick up the bottle and bring it to my lips and suck the liquid down hoping to ease something I can't put my finger on.

A hole in my ear, although filled, it is only filled with that which I may remove. I have enough holes already. My soul leaks out of my mouth when I talk.

My spirit falls from my face in the tears that I cry

My passion rubs into the keyboard out of my pores

I have enough holes, yet I go and pierce my ear, adding another hole to my body. But what did I lose from this hole, nothing!!!

My hole is symbolic to me, as I have yet to figure out what it means. I don't know the answer.

If this confuses you I am sorry, these are merely my thoughts being written down. I am trying to deal with the weight of the world as usual and am falling over and being crushed.

The world is a stage

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:45:00 +0000

Dear World,

You suck. You are filled with heartache, pain, suffering, ignorance, cruelty, abuse, stupidity, and blasphemy in every sense possible. Who would of thought they could be wrapped up in a single person?

His name was Thomas, and I had fallen in love. He treated me kindly and he was beautiful. His soul golden, and shining, yet tarnished deeper, and rusting from the inside out.

It came to be that nothing came of us, and we left it with a kiss. A simple peck on the lips, and no more was said, hardly. He lost hisself back into the underground he once called home. A life lived darker, and more dangerous than I had known.

Too bad it didn't work. But it's alright world, I don't need the drama in my life.

You're a stage old world, and I'm right on there pulling my own.

The Smell of Music

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 16:00:00 +0000

Sitting in the library right now, the smells of body odor, old people, dirty books, and air conditioner invade this nose.

Choruses of men and women, singing a variety of tunes, and melodies flow into my ears.

I am having such a great time listening that I now appreciate music even more.

My mind has also made a new connection...........and this is kind of funny.

Music now has a smell to me, I wll always smell music as this library.

Am I possessed??

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:52:00 +0000

The other day, I was minding my own buisness, just playing cards with my friends.

Here are the facts,

It was 3:30 in the morning, a fairly normal time for me and my friends to be out and about, and we were loitering, an illegal act so to speak, outside of McDonalds on the picnic benches.

I went inside of the Waffle House, my job, which is only next door and came across a site I was not ready for.

Low and behold, Matt, the devil in my eyes sat at the counter.

My sister stayed as I left to return to my card game.

Five minutes later I recieved a text message, from my sister saying Matt wanted to come play cards with us. I said as long as he doesn't start trouble.

Funny thing is.............for almost a year, I saw him as the strongest foe, and defining fear factor in my life. But he came back to side weak, shaking, and unsure.

We discussed that we both messed up alot in both our friendship and our relationship.

Now we are friends again, yet now I wait.............what does he mean? I fear my own feelings, and I still fear him.

Does the devil have me the neck?

Xob Der

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 18:37:00 +0000

..............................if you know what this is, it is almost as evil as Chuck E Cheese.

....................................................

.............................................

REDBOX

Cracks in the glass

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 09:07:00 +0000

Everyone looks in the mirror everyday.

The mirror is just a pane of glass that reflects your image back at you, and if your lucky makes you feel like a million bucks.

But if you are like me, and many other people in this world, you look in the mirror and see something you don't like.

This blog is called cracks in the glass because I see different things. I see a broken image in the mirror. Parts of a whole, but no whole to be seen, only different reflections in small pieces seperated by deep veins of empty space.

The cracks in the glass symbolize something for me. They tell me I am not whole. I may feel happy on the outside, but I know I am not complete.

After todays events, which include, watching the fireworks alone, crying my eyes out twice; once because my ex shouted out of a car Faggot, and two because I sat alone, at work watching the fireworks out of a window and through the trees.

Does anyone ever feel the cracks in the mirror?

I think it's part of our human nature. We are emotional beings, and are difficult to control. I let my mind wander at times, and it gets me into trouble.

I think too much, and let too much get to me. Thing is? Everyone else does too.

Crying is normal, even for a grown man. Lonlieness, which is spelled horribly wrong, is just our way of telling us we need companionship.

I probably just stated the obvious, but whether you think so or not, this is more my way to express my thoughts. I just choose to publish these thoughts on the internet for people to try and understand.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to sleep. This should fill one of the many cracks in the mirror.

another thought.......

When we fill the cracks, why dont they become clear again? The cracks are filled, but they aren't anything more than a cover up. The holes are there, the cracks are still there, they are only covered up.

so will my problems ever go away.

Will I ever forget Matt?

Will I ever get the right amount of sleep?

Will I ever make enough money to move out of my house?

I hate questions..............!

We have a problem

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:20:00 +0000

I'm back

This lack of writing isn't exactly coming from a block, although call it what you will cuz I just can't seem to express myself anymore, but mainly due the fact that I lost my wi-fi internet I was stealing from the neighbors router.

But beside that point here is the newest thoughts and confessions for the lone wolf.

Joey can be defined in many ways, he can be a a young kangaroo, a coy nickname for a schnauzer, or just another name for Joseph. I define this slightly different.

Joey is opposed to change, but willing to learn. He is stubborn, yet willing to do whatever, whenever. He is indecisive, yet spontaneous often getting himself into trouble with that spontaneity.

My biggest issue though. I am loney. I'm not sure why, but I am.

I surround myself with love, but only find emptiness, and animosity, and coldness, and pain.

I'm starting to write a book.

It's called, I'm in love with a guy, and I don't know why?

Basically, if I spelled that word correctly, it's about my thoughts, my essays, wondering where I came from, what I've become, and who I want to be. How people see me is not what I want them to see. Perhaps as I write I will understand myself, my passions, my longings, and my feelings. Maybe I can evolve as a spiritual being as well.

Chuck Evil Cheese

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 15:09:00 +0000

This post is going to be short

I just want to elighten the idea that Chuck E Cheese is the most evil place on the planet.

I walked in with 22 dollars in cash. I had a bunch of coupons and my friends and I all bought a bunch of pizza's soda's and tokens for like 80 bucks total.

That was great until we started playing the games.............

Have you ever noticed that when you run out of tokens, you want more, and think that those tokens really didn't last too long? Well the truth is, even though the games are only 1 token, the average game lasts about 5 seconds.

So...........................let's do some math here

5 seconds out of 1 minute is 1/12. Thus you can in theory play 12 games in a minute, thus spending 3 dollars in one minute..as each token costs a quarter.

With 100 tokens, you are in theory only playing for a total time frame of about 8 minutes and 20 seconds.

Those 100 tokens aren't cheap either. 25 dollars can buy you dinner for two at a decent restaurant or you spend less than ten minutes in chuck e cheeses for the same price.

So to make a long story short.

Don't take a credit card into chuck e cheese, you will only hurt yourself more.

An hour and a half spent in chuck e cheese. My grand total spent was 78 dollars and 50 cents

Back to Normal....I think

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:59:00 +0000

So this post should be the beginning of the comeback. I hope to start with my regular posts once more......assuming I don't have to sleep for days at a time.

Let's start at the beginning.

I'm Joe, and I work at Waffle House.........AKA........cesspool of crackheads, and drama.

I love my job only on the days I make money, and as selfish as it seems, I only care about the money in my job right now. Yes, there are people I care about, but my goal in working is to make that money and bank it as soon as I can, rather than to make friends

Perhaps this is the key to success in life.

Do we have to make sacrifices in order to achieve our highest goals? Do we have to cut people, places, and things out of our life in order to thrive?

In my case, I believe this is true for several reasons.

In order for me to make my money at work, I need to shut out everything else, and focus on my customer's needs. Now the fact that 35% of my customers don't tip, or they walk out on their bills either means they are too poor to tip, or they are assholes. Yet, none the less I have to put my mind away for 10 hours a night in order to better serve my customers.

What kind of sacrifices do you make?

14 Hours of Sleep

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Tue, 27 May 2008 09:30:00 +0000

It has come to my attention now that my body and mind are beginning to shut down. My mind wanders, it roams, it explores, and then gets caught in a bear trap and is thrown to the raptors.

I just got out of a 14 hour coma I shall call it, I didn't hear my phone ring, which is surprising for me, and I slept it completely straight through without waking up for anything.

That sleep has refreshed me for the time being and has made me feel somewhat better. Yet I still think, and ponder, and question. I question things like where I want to be? Who I want? What I want? Do I need to change who I am to have friends?

Simple questions like that, not even a 14 hour coma can kill. These must be questions everyone faces.....

Long time, No Blog

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Mon, 26 May 2008 18:35:00 +0000

Dear Readers,

I haven't posted in a long time. I know, I've just been busy.

Here are a few updates for a reader who wants to know.

I failed my semester because I chose my job over school. I needed the money and couldn't do both at the same time. Thus, I chose the Waffle House and it's crazy still.

That boy I posted about a while ago, nothing happened, and I really don't care anymore. Just too busy.

My cook and I are BFF's AKA Best Friends Forever. She is as loonie as I am, and we are four tenths of a whole idiot.

Then there is another saga I must begin, I am unsure of alot of things right now. Who I am? What I do? and How much money I make for the amount of hours I work. I have determined three things

I am still gay despite confrontation and animosity from other people, as well as serious general assholeieness from the man I like.

Two, I love my job because I make great money

Three, I hate my job because of stupid people who can't even order a damn waffle.

Serious thoughts.

I am tired of people's crap. Why do I put up with it? Am I sensative? Am I uptight? Am I an asshole? Why do people not like me? Can I do better? Who are my friends? Are they real? Am I real? Am I crazy?

Serious thoughts and true words

Anyone care?

Waffle House Blues

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Mon, 05 May 2008 12:25:00 +0000

I sit in the WH once again, and I haven't even worked for two days. I am just sitting here typing in my blog.

I'm not in a good mood, I am stressed. I have grinded out three poems today, so I find that an acomplishment, and I am happy with them too.

I have also learned three things today. Love is a crazy thing, Somebody has a crush on me, and three my step-dad is like an onion, he is good when cooked, but nasty raw.

To translate that onion thing, basically, when he dosen't feel well, he is a dick

Frenzy

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 04:52:00 +0000

So, I'm back

I'm gonna try to make this a fairly important post, and maybe you'll agree with me.

For the past few days, I've been trying to write a great deal of creative non-fiction. I've not only had multiple inspirations, as if by some divine intervention, but I am also in crunch time.

What is kind of awkward though, I only seem to be writing questions. My work is filled with philosophical questions that I just can't answer.

My frenzy of writing has put my mind into overdrive, questions, wondering, pondering, and just generally craziness

Failure

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 02:17:00 +0000

Breaking News

I am failing out of college.

This happens to me, the student who isn't going out and partying. The student who doesn't waste his time drinking, or smoking. This is happening to a student who works 50 Hours a week on the night shift.

I am trying to do the right thing, but have ended up losing?

Why do nice guys finish last?

Second Chances

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 11:42:00 +0000

I just wanted to put a few words down before I leave for the day.

I wish to thank Dr. Paul Bauer of Cecil College for his help, and for him giving me a second chance with philosophy.

That's all

Anyone wanna say what they are thankful for recently?

The Quest

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 23:35:00 +0000

My journey is one, not unlike yours is. I am longing to make friends, maybe a fan or two, but generally just alive to do my thing and help other people.

Well, why does the nice guy always get things thrown in his face?

It's a very short question, but very complicated. Is there any answer?

This is my quest, I want to follow my heart from now on, and I have been. I am trying to survive this game of life, and my latest quest is for that free man just out of reach. Maybe I'll find a power-up somewhere and things will get better

Hate Mail

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 09:10:00 +0000

It never seems to end. No celebrity am I, nor am I anything super special, but I am (un)fortunate enough to recieve hate mail. The list of people who hate me is apparently very long, although as far as I understand, I have done nothing to them wrong.

Letter # 1
My ex-best friend/partner sends me nasty emails every now and again, just being an ass, and making fun of me because I don't drink or smoke pot. I'm called a baby, weak, and a pussy. I call myself more of a man than you are Matthew. The vomit in my mouth and the tears in my eyes aren't enough of a quench for his never ending quest to hurt me.

Letter # 2
The girl with the burns. I shall call her that. Words like queerboy and Faggot make me feel so good after reading it. That was sarcasm. She was great friends with me and we had plans to just grow old together and be best friends. Yet I became busy with work and she turned on me and started with this shit.

Someone, anyone please give me some stories of your own? I'm so happy to hear I have four readers. I really am, I didn't expect anyone to read this blog. It's more of my online journal I guess. But thanks for all the comments so far, and feel free to communicate with me, give me some reccomendations for your blogs or whatever.

Drunk Chicks

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:16:00 +0000

This post will be fairly short. Just another snippet of insight into what my life is like.

I had to serve yet another table full of obnoxiously wasted 20 somethings, and this crowd was particularly mellow except for this one chick.

I asked her to sign her credit card receipt because she was holding up the line to the cash box and we were moderately busy at the time. In my nature, I asked her once nicely. The woman got an attitude with me, and said "don't rush me, I'll get it when I'm ready." After a few more nice words from me, explaining that she was holding up the line, she pulled the following.

"You know what you piece of shit? This is all you get." It was a dollar and change tip, and normally it wouldn't bother me, but this woman had me steaming already. So in my fairly kind nature I couldn't flip out on this girl and slit her throat like I wanted to, but rather I said, "It's fine, and I'm sorry you have to a bitch Ma'am!" Just the mere fact that I called a complete stranger a bitch made me feel powerful, stronger, and so much happier.

Is there a moment in your life that you just completely lost it on someone?

The Booger Mosaic

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:23:00 +0000

I have written an essay called, The Booger Mosaic. I don't really like it, but I find it powerful in that I ask myself, "where did my innocence go?"

Did I lose my childhood through some traumatic event? Was it just a natural cause? Did televised and internet media destroy the innocence of my youth?

I have no clue how to post a link to my essay so just let me know if your curious and I'll send you a copy.

Mass

noreply@blogger.com (SoxyPasha) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:11:00 +0000

I am not a catholic. But I have found myself fascinated as I watch the mass this morning in Washington D.C. Nobody in my family is catholic, and I most certainly have no plans to convert after watching this.

Catholicism in my opinion is a cult, and one of the worst kind. It is an epidemic, they frown upon non-catholics, are non welcoming to those who wish to come to their churches, and they are far too ritualistic for my liking. Anyone religion where you speak foreign languages to pray, and wave smoke lanterns, and pray to idols besides god is not right in my opinion.

My sister is a witch. She follows the religion of Wicca, and compared to this mass, her rituals are normal. There are no sacrifices, or blood letting. In Wicca, there are no chants, there is consumption of bread/wine, which in my opinion is a stupid ritual anyways.

But what I find most humerous, is that despite Catholics being the scratch that....

This news caster woman just explained that what just happened was the most powerful moment in mass. The pope babbled in his tongue, and then he hugged the men around him. This is supposed to symbolize The Last Supper, and it is just wrong. We should not re-enact the suffering of Jesus. He did his thing for a purpose. He gave his life to save mankind. Yes, it is this beautiful moment, but is it necessary?

Here is my view, prayer is prayer, anytime, anywhere, god will do his best to listen. Try to practice in good faith...........

Now the crowd is being handed tickets to go up and recieve the body by Pope Benedict XVI

This is just weird to me, but I cant look away

Someone talk to me!!!